girls,girls,gir..

some days ago we celebrated our semianniversary with my Boy! yaaay! we did not pop champagne, but had two over-the-top fat ass burgers with extra fries. later visited our fabulous dating whisky bar in Shoreditch. posh people, that’s who we really are..
although, I was in enduring relationships before I consider this as my very first ADULT relationship. I never truly believed in the concept of chasing my other half and only feeling complete and whole by having a partner (tho did it a hundred times).
all I ever wanted in a relationship was to feel secure, to let myself be vulnerable, to find someone who appreciates my black humour and to give each other some space when it’s needed. we mastered the latter to ninja levels in our first months as we lived 2000 km away, commuting on the London-Budapest line.

back in the day, I used to struggle a lot with being myself around my partners, I tried so hard to impress them and faking for the sake of love. memories are still vivid how painful was the slow and long process of self-acceptance and to learn to respect not just the person who I was becoming day-by-day, but also the body I was living in. I felt so ashamed and thought my physical appearance did not meet the “norms of beauty”. since early of my teens hated my hooked nose. it got me down several times when people were pointing at it (and hell yes, I did not know that it could have been reported as bullying). I never posted any pictures from my side profile and had always paid attention to sit or stand face-to-face.
as I did not like my face I unconsciously developed an unrealistic concept: in order to be liked and loved I should stay skinny.

the long journey began when I started to identify (and value) myself with my body. I was struggling so badly with feeling worthy of love and to prove my right I ended up in one night stands and plenty of toxic relationships. smart move, eh?!
I remember the times I was only able to had sex with lights off and only in missionary position as I was too shy to show my body and this way I could have hid it.
the whole thing turned worst because I confused sex with love and I did not even noticed that it was happening without any sign of intimacy. I was humiliated myself repeteadly, until the very moment I was able to see that my prevailing mindset completely ruined my mental-wellbeing.

I am closing this 10 years with the deepest gratitude and moving on from the fear of change and self doubt.
at the bottom of the rabbit hole I decided to stop victimizing myself and open a new chapter. so I took a deep breathe and give myself permission to be imperfect. instead of shaming my body I slowly started to be proud of my “imperfections” – showing them, taking pictures about them, writing about them. my discomforts and fears are no longer my limitations but something I can turn into creative energy.
being born as a girl is a gift. growing up and becoming a woman is a constant challenge for me.

this new decade may bring me more empowerment and the strenght to empower others, to be more compassionate to myself and others and having the courage to jump into the unknown. I invest more in myself in order to be more and more bold – to dare to be 100% vulnerable and through my words express it confidently.

so hi twenty twenty!